Chapter 1: The Importance of Independence

The earlier a child can establish independence from their parents, the more effectively they have been nurtured.

In one training session I attended, mothers of children with significant disabilities, such as blindness or severe injuries, were asked to express their greatest fears. When one mother read aloud, “My biggest fear is dying before my child,” the facilitator responded with surprise, asking, “So you'd prefer your child to pass before you?” The mothers collectively raised their hands in understanding.

This reaction is not unexpected. A child with profound disabilities often relies entirely on their mother for basic needs. While she is present, they receive care—clothing, bathing, grooming, and feeding. Without her, they may struggle to find anyone to care for them. The thought of dying first is terrifying for these mothers because their children cannot manage on their own.

In contrast, while parents of healthy children often show excessive protectiveness, this can hinder a child’s ability to be self-sufficient and adapt to life’s challenges. Such overcare can lead to dependence on their parents, stifling initiative.

Consider the common phrases:

• “We’re potty training!”
• “We read a book.”
• “We rode the carousel today.”
• “We’re moving to eighth grade.”
• “We go to music school and judo.”

If these phrases come from a mother of a preschooler, they are typically acceptable because the child is genuinely reliant on her. Everything a young child does is usually a shared experience, so it’s understandable when a mother proudly states, “We went to the bathroom.”

However, many mothers may not recognize the moment when it’s essential to allow their growing child to evolve beyond the “We.” It’s crucial for children to begin identifying themselves as independent individuals, taking responsibility for their actions. This transition can be facilitated if mothers consciously step back, allowing their children to develop autonomy and resist the urge to maintain the “We” mindset.

To nurture your child's sense of self, start by reducing the use of “we” in your conversations. The impact of language is significant. Phrases like “We somehow manage with our studies” sound odd, as it is the child who is receiving feedback and navigating their academic journey. Shared accountability blurs the lines of responsibility.

This doesn’t imply that parents should withdraw completely from their children's lives. As children approach adolescence, they will naturally seek independence, and the more prepared they are, the smoother this transition will be for both parties.

When “we” is used to describe shared experiences, such as “Our family went mushroom picking” or “Anton and I visited the theater,” it fosters a sense of togetherness. Establishing emotional connections through interaction, discussions, and support is vital. The key is to balance nurturing emotional bonds with providing the freedom and responsibility necessary for growth.

To conclude, I resonate with the wise saying: the sooner a child can leave their parents' home, the more effectively they have been raised.

This insightful video by Dr. Becky Kennedy discusses parenting strategies that help children cultivate independence and resilience, ensuring they thrive as they grow older.

In this iconic clip from Supernanny, we witness transformative moments that highlight the significance of establishing boundaries and promoting independence in children.