A Bit of Background

I’ve previously mentioned my journey with antidepressants. They were never intended to be a long-term solution, but rather a response to a particularly troubling time about a year ago. I was grappling with some of the most intense anxiety and depression I had ever faced, including my first panic attacks that led to suicidal thoughts.

Paranoia consumed me; I felt as though I was being followed and observed. My fears were particularly heightened around men, especially after leaving a toxic relationship with an abusive alcoholic. This experience added to the array of negative relationships I had encountered, including with my own father.

During that time, I worked late shifts, and upon returning home at night, I would keep my partner on the phone until I was safely inside. I would then inspect my apartment for any signs of danger, only to retreat back into a state of numbness.

In my desperation to feel better, I recognized the need to take control of my mental health, especially as I was embarking on a career in mental health counseling. However, like many, I had long viewed antidepressants as a crutch for those unwilling to confront their issues. This belief was heavily influenced by my upbringing in a Christian environment, which led me to think that my struggles were due to insufficient faith, prayer, or healthy coping mechanisms.

While I firmly believe that medication alone is not sufficient for mental health improvement, it's challenging to make lifestyle changes when your mind isn't functioning optimally. Mental illness has a physiological aspect that is often overlooked.

Maybe This Is a Sign

Once the initial panic subsided, I began to consider whether this was an opportune moment to experiment with discontinuing my antidepressants. Over the past year, my mental health has significantly improved, thanks to a blend of lifestyle changes and medication. I've become adept at managing my triggers and occasional bad days—because those never entirely disappear—and I even decided to discontinue therapy, a choice made easier when my therapist failed to meet my needs.

Here are some significant changes I've made in the past year:

• I left graduate school to pursue my freelance business.
• I departed from a toxic work environment.
• I moved back in with my incredibly supportive partner.
• I started writing more; poetry has become a therapeutic outlet on challenging days. Writing about my past relationship has also contributed to my healing process.

I established boundaries with toxic individuals in my life and improved my communication skills, letting go of people-pleasing behaviors. Speaking my truth and living authentically has been liberating. I found closure and peace regarding my friend's suicide, a tragedy I had long blamed myself for, and I discontinued hormonal birth control.

Determining whether the improvements stemmed from medication or lifestyle changes is difficult. What I do know is that my intuition has been guiding me toward reducing my medication, that is, until I read "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle, who cautioned against stopping something that is working. It didn’t help that she is on the same medication as I am!

Trusting My Instincts

Too many times, I have sidelined my needs for others, and while I deeply respect Glennon Doyle, I chose to listen to my intuition and take a break from my antidepressants. I figured that since I was on a low dose (10mg), the withdrawal effects would not be severe.

Initially, the worst symptom I encountered was a persistent headache—though it’s debatable if that was even related to stopping the medication. A few days ago, I did wake up feeling lower than usual, but I had also been combing through old messages from my late friend, searching for answers to a question his mother posed, and I hadn’t slept well.

However, the most challenging symptoms hit me on day four: dizziness, fatigue, nausea, and an unbearable itchiness.

Moving Forward

I’m monitoring my symptoms closely, and having my partner’s support has been invaluable. If my mental state deteriorates, I will reconsider taking my medication and accept the longer recovery process. Reflecting on this, I believe it would have been wiser to gradually reduce my dosage rather than quitting abruptly, but I’m currently choosing to endure the physical withdrawal symptoms rather than reverting to medication, which I think would be more taxing on my body.

Since starting antidepressants, I’ve moved past the associated shame and no longer view myself as weak or disappointing. If you are also on antidepressants, you should feel the same. We are human, not invincible, and it’s completely acceptable to have struggles.

In Conclusion

Thus far, the most notable benefit of temporarily discontinuing my antidepressants has been an increased sex drive. I’m not joking when I say I feel more in tune with my body and its sensations.

I’m curious to hear from others: Have you ever taken antidepressants? What was your experience? Are you still on them, or have you also taken a break? Did you encounter any unusual side effects or notable improvements? Please share your thoughts!