A Heartfelt Apology for My 171 Unpublished Drafts on Medium
Written on
Chapter 1: A Confession
I find myself with 171 drafts sitting idly in my Medium account. You probably already know this, so why am I sharing it? This is an apology.
Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash
To all of you who wish to read more from me, I sincerely apologize.
My writing journey on Medium began during the lockdown in 2020. Over the course of a year, I published 107 stories and formed meaningful friendships. It was a new experience for me to share my writing with strangers, and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. However, as time passed, my self-doubt crept in, leading to a significant decrease in my output—only 27 stories in the past two and a half years. I lost my sense of direction.
But you continued to support me.
Despite my struggles, my audience has grown by 65% over the last three years. New readers discover my older works, believing they have found a writer worth following, and some even subscribed for updates. You would think I’d be overjoyed about this growth.
I am, but...
Every new follower fills me with both gratitude and fear. I often wonder what expectations they have of me. Trust is a precious commodity, and I worry that any new piece I produce will betray their trust, revealing that I’m not the same person I was four years ago.
Every day, I find inspiration, and I begin to write, but the nagging voice in my head persists. “Is this what they want from you?” Eventually, fear prevails, and yet another draft is added to the pile—171 drafts in total.
“What could I possibly write that would be worthy of your inbox?”
Chapter 2: Reflecting on My Drafts
From time to time, I revisit my unpublished drafts, searching for articles that might resonate with you. Sadly, I find none that meet my own expectations. I realize I am trying too hard.
In my quest to improve, I have read countless articles about effective writing, audience engagement, and crafting compelling headlines. I confess this is driven by a fear of losing you.
It seems absurd, doesn’t it?
You chose to follow me, yet I respond with anxiety, allowing fear to dominate.
Section 2.1: A Moment of Clarity
I’ve come to recognize a flaw within myself. When people show me support and belief, I retreat, fearing I might let them down. It’s a logical concern: if I disappoint you, you might unfollow or unsubscribe. But it’s not the numbers that matter to me; rather, it’s the message behind them. “You are not who I thought you were.”
I apologize.
This piece serves as both a confession and an apology to my 1,683 followers and 12 email subscribers. I’ve let you down, and I’m sorry.
I allowed the love you offered to transform into paralyzing fear, preventing me from sharing 171 reflections of my thoughts and identity.
I apologize for believing the false narrative that I must conform to your expectations.
Section 2.2: Moving Forward
This is the end of that lie. While I’m unsure which truths to embrace, I do know that I will embark on a journey of healing, starting with this article. It may seem self-indulgent, but I need to publicly acknowledge my love for myself.
I intend to be more authentically me.
I can’t decipher what you seek from me. Was it a particular sentence I penned, a sentiment I conveyed, or an idea that struck a chord? I genuinely don’t know. I have no clever lists or life lessons to share, but this is who I am.
I will write.
You may not resonate with what I produce, and I am not the same individual I was four years ago.
But I’m back, and it already feels right.
Chapter 3: A New Direction
A three-year reflection:
I am currently focused on writing my first fictional piece in the fantasy genre, inspired by an idea I had as a young girl in Nigeria. I am also experimenting with a new format, so some of my upcoming work will lean more toward fiction and explainers rather than the inspirational style I previously employed.
I’ve taken several writing courses and listen to a podcast on fantasy writing. I believe my skills have improved, but I’m committed to staying true to my conversational and approachable writing style.
Although I experimented with AI during my writing journey, I have decided to embrace my unique voice. Therefore, none of my articles on Medium will be AI-generated or formatted solely for reader engagement.
Illumination:
I have chosen to publish this article through Illumination, the Medium publication that initially launched my writing journey. It’s a supportive and well-organized platform filled with incredible individuals. I owe much of my growth on Medium to this publication, and I’m excited to announce that I’m back.