Chapter 1: The Impact of Loss

Life is filled with significant events that shape who we are. In childhood, we may face the loss of a cherished pet or a broken toy, which can feel like monumental tragedies. However, some children, too young to fully grasp the situation, experience far greater losses, such as losing a parent.

I lost my father in a pipeline accident just a few months shy of my fourth birthday. My memories of him are faint, clouded in emotion and hazy images, but the years that followed are etched in my mind.

In my mother’s generation, mental health was not openly discussed. Family stories hinted at a traumatic crime from her youth, which led to her spending time in a mental health facility. Coming from a large family, my mother had many siblings, while I was one of five children. The thought of managing that many kids is overwhelming to me today.

As a fan of Star Trek, I often refer to myself as the second of five, given my place in the birth order. My mother was one of eleven, though two of her siblings passed away during their childhood. After my eldest brother's death in 2017, I became one of four.

He used to remind me of birthdays and often called me late on my own special day, inquiring about who had reached out to me. It’s a memory I cherish now that he’s gone.

Reflecting on my brother's passing, I think about my mother's grief. Both of us had begun to understand the emotions tied to our upbringing. When I discuss subjects like death and human behavior with friends, I sometimes receive puzzled looks. It seems that social nuances are lost on some, especially when a mental health professional provides a label that is meant to alleviate concerns.

But the thought of losing a child is a different kind of anguish. I’ve felt heartache reading about mothers who lost their children too soon. I've experienced fear regarding children's struggles with suicidal thoughts, grateful that I haven’t had to endure the dreaded phone call.

My brother’s children were mostly adults by the time of his death, with one granddaughter they chose to raise, which felt like a family decision that worked for everyone.

I strive to use these reflections to guide my future choices.

I must cultivate happiness today, focusing on strengths for myself and my adult child’s family, seeking positive pathways forward. My thoughts often race, questioning if my plans are healthy or if they might seem morbid. Am I acting as though my child is already in decline?

When I feel overwhelmed, I imagine a switch in my mind flipping off my emotional responses, allowing me to maintain a sense of detachment. I’m grateful for that aspect of my psyche.

We are all on a journey toward our end. Some may not see tomorrow due to unforeseen circumstances. Life is unpredictable.

So, why not cherish each day as if it were our last? We should seek ways to reminisce about family memories, looking through photographs to relive those moments. Let’s extend the same kindness to our loved ones that we often reserve for strangers.

My perspective on life has shifted dramatically, shaped by the uncertainties of the future. I refuse to let my journey be marked by sadness. If we were to lose someone, I would commit to embracing all emotions and loving deeply. I aim to create positive memories with every moment we share.

Now, if only I could encourage them to reach out to me more often!

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Chapter 2: Embracing the Future

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