Navigating Relationships: A Call to the Bare Minimum Man
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Understanding the Bare Minimum Man
Whenever I discuss women's experiences in dating, there’s often a male voice in the comments attempting to represent all men. The responses vary from “not all men” to “women do it too,” and sometimes they even resort to personal insults. What’s strikingly absent is a sense of accountability.
I frequently touch on the issue of the bare minimum man, not out of disdain for men, but because it’s a common concern. While I acknowledge that the bare minimum woman likely exists as well, I’ll leave that exploration to someone more suited to discuss it. My focus here is on addressing the bare minimum man.
No One Is Asking You to Change
Many of these men misinterpret the conversation as a demand for them to alter their essence—be taller, wealthier, or more accomplished. However, that’s not the case. What we’re really saying is this:
Healthy relationships necessitate relational skills that the bare minimum man either lacks or chooses not to apply.
These relational skills encompass effective communication, respectful conflict resolution, empathy, active listening, vulnerability, compromise, and the ability to enjoy moments together. The absence of these skills hinders the relationship’s health. The bare minimum partner may either lack these abilities or refuse to engage them.
The reality is that men who invest minimal effort in relationships are fully capable of doing more but opt for less. When faced with difficulties, they often withdraw rather than enhancing their relational skills to become more engaged partners. They may perceive suggestions for improvement as personal attacks.
Acknowledging Women's Role
It’s also crucial to clarify that we’re not claiming women are without fault. We all need to work on our relational skills. I recognized this in my last relationship; I had improved my conflict resolution abilities, yet struggled with vulnerability when my anxiety flared. Relationships are a shared responsibility, and this is especially true in polyamorous contexts.
However, when we specifically address the bare minimum man, it’s not the moment to shift blame to women. While these discussions are valid and I’ve explored them in depth, the power dynamics at play necessitate holding men accountable to foster healthier relational dynamics.
We’re not urging men to discard their identities. We’re simply asking them to engage in the relational work alongside us rather than relying on our invisible labor. We advocate for more balanced partnerships and expect men to contribute equally. This issue is not just limited to heterosexual relationships; it’s equally relevant in the LGBTQ+ community.
What We Are Really Saying
Instead of perceiving these discussions as attacks, they should be viewed as invitations to reflect on our relational behaviors. This feedback is essential for those open to it. Our aim is not to belittle men but to improve the relational challenges we face, provided both sides are willing to learn and evolve.
While this is not inherently gender-specific, it’s a fact that men enjoy privileges that women do not. Women often face heightened concerns regarding safety and well-being in dating contexts. Additionally, women typically shoulder more of the invisible labor in relationships. Even though most research on the mental load assumes cohabitation, this dynamic is also present in non-cohabiting relationships.
Highlighting the issues surrounding the bare minimum man does not overlook women's responsibilities. It does not imply that we expect partners to transform who they are. Instead, it shines a light on the existing imbalances within relationships, encouraging couples to create healthier, more equitable partnerships. This can only occur if the message isn’t drowned out by defensive reactions.
Explore effective strategies for responding to minimal communication in relationships.
Learn about the key signs indicating you might be in a bare minimum relationship.