Chapter 1: The Nature of Jealousy

Jealousy is a common human emotion, often viewed as neither desirable nor constructive. Yet, despite this understanding, it remains difficult for many to avoid. When we hear about a colleague's promotion, a friend's exciting adventures, or an acquaintance's luxurious lifestyle, it’s completely natural to feel a twinge of envy.

Although envy can be unproductive in today's world, it often highlights a crucial aspect of our human nature. As inherently social beings, we frequently assess our success and relevance by comparing ourselves to others. When we perceive others as more accomplished, it can feel like an affront to our self-worth. In severe cases, these feelings of inadequacy can contribute to clinical depression.

In many instances, the world operates on a zero-sum basis, where one person's success can equate to another's lost opportunity. For instance, in a corporate environment, there are usually a finite number of senior positions available. When others secure these roles, our options diminish, which can understandably lead to feelings of hurt when others succeed at our expense. We strive to avoid becoming a stepping stone for others, as this notion can feel quite bitter.

Regrettably, we often allow our envy to extend to situations devoid of real competition. The travels of a friend do not detract from our own opportunities for exploration, making their social media updates unlikely to impact our well-being. Yet, we frequently fall into the trap of envy, even in these scenarios where it makes little sense.

When envy is accurately directed, its underlying rationale is clear: social comparisons and limited opportunities foster a competitive atmosphere that allows jealousy to thrive. In line with this notion, we tend to feel the most envy towards those who are similar to us and in areas that matter most to us. We may secretly resent others' successes, as they starkly illuminate our own perceived shortcomings.

But what happens in our brains when we feel envy, and is there a way to manage it when it becomes a drain on our mental resources?

To understand this, let’s delve into the brain. In one brain imaging study, participants were asked to read about a group of students who had different abilities and shared personal characteristics. They were instructed to envision themselves as the main character, comparing their abilities to the others and rating their feelings of envy.

As anticipated, participants reported the highest levels of envy when comparing themselves to those with greater skills and closer similarities to themselves. Moreover, increased feelings of jealousy correlated with heightened activity in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex of the brain.

Schadenfreude, or the pleasure derived from another's misfortune, is closely related to envy. If envy represents the discomfort we experience when someone surpasses us, schadenfreude is the satisfaction felt when they falter. The researchers in the aforementioned study sought to observe the brain's response during schadenfreude. They introduced scenarios where enviable students faced misfortunes. When participants witnessed these setbacks, areas of the brain linked to reward, such as the striatum, became activated. Again, the more schadenfreude participants experienced, the greater the activity in those reward centers.

A separate study in 2009 took a different approach to investigate envy and schadenfreude. Researchers divided participants into two groups: one received oxytocin, a social hormone, while the other received a placebo. Participants then played a chance game with a partner, winning varying amounts of money.

Unsurprisingly, participants felt envy when they earned less than their partner and schadenfreude when they earned more. However, those who had taken oxytocin reported heightened feelings of both emotions—despite the game being unrelated to skill. This suggests that oxytocin intensified interpersonal emotions linked to social gain and loss.

Now that we grasp some biological factors of envy, how do these feelings evolve over time? Is jealousy more intense before a competitor’s success or shortly after?

A 2019 study aimed to address this question through a series of experiments. In the first, participants rated their potential jealousy if a close friend achieved a desired goal—such as a dream vacation or job promotion. They reflected on their emotional state leading up to or following their friend's success.

Interestingly, participants reported higher levels of envy when anticipating a friend's achievement compared to afterward. In essence, the most intense feelings of envy arise in the days leading up to an acquaintance's success and diminish shortly after it occurs.

To further analyze this phenomenon, researchers tracked individuals' envy levels throughout February, a month known for its envy-inducing Valentine's Day festivities. Confirming earlier findings, participants experienced heightened jealousy in the days preceding February 14th, which quickly subsided after the day passed.

In another set of experiments, researchers differentiated between malicious envy, akin to schadenfreude, and benign envy, which serves as a self-motivating force. While malicious envy—desiring to see others fail—tended to peak before an enviable event, benign envy surprisingly remained elevated even after the event had occurred. This distinction is significant, as benign envy can be a more constructive experience compared to its malicious counterpart.

In concluding their research, the scientists posed a question relevant to many: can we learn to manage our envy strategically? They asked participants to think about an upcoming event that made them feel envious. Some were instructed to envision the event as if it had already occurred, while others were directed to imagine it happening in the distant future.

The results showed that those who reframed the event as a past occurrence reported less envy, reduced stress, and greater life satisfaction compared to those who imagined it in the future. This simple mental exercise of viewing an enviable event as something that has already passed could serve as a helpful strategy against the stress of jealousy.

It makes intuitive sense that we would feel less impacted by events in our past compared to those that are imminent. After all, harboring negative emotions over events that have already happened is unproductive. While feelings of jealousy may drive us to compete harder, it's essential to recognize that malicious feelings are rarely beneficial.

So where do we go from here? Firstly, it's crucial to recognize that our biology predisposes us to feel envy over others' successes and pleasure in their misfortunes. By increasing our self-awareness during instances of envy or schadenfreude, we can better manage our emotional responses and channel them into productive energy.

Secondly, we should remember that our malicious feelings are temporary and will fade once the enviable event is over. Post-event, the type of envy we experience will likely be more motivational than harmful.

Finally, when we find ourselves grappling with unwelcome jealousy, one practical technique is to envision the event as if it has already taken place. By mentally transitioning to the future and reflecting on the event, we can reduce the intensity of our jealous thoughts. Envy and schadenfreude are common human experiences; while we may not eliminate them entirely, we can certainly learn to navigate them more effectively.

Chapter 2: Understanding Jealousy and Envy

In the video "DEALING WITH JEALOUSY: The 2 Questions to Ask," the discussion revolves around essential inquiries that can help individuals confront their feelings of jealousy and gain a clearer perspective on their emotions.

The second video, "Brené Brown Clarifies the Difference Between Jealousy and Envy," provides insights into distinguishing between these two emotions and offers advice on how to manage them effectively.